so sad, heavy heart

My mom is in the hospital with double pneumonia and water around the heart and lungs needing heart surgery to remove the fluid. I found out at work that the doctor called my dad at home early telling him of a surgery needed for her and what does he want to do? Hurry Hurry. Tell us now. What does he want to do? Um, has anyone asked my mom what SHE wants to do? He wanted the surgeons to tell him the risks before making a decision. Did that happen? NO.

I left work today after hearing this news, not caring if it would "look good". Personal day. No notice. Sorry. The school will have to understand.

What makes me so sad is that surgeons who are supposed to see us don't. Dad and I and poor mom waited all day. People came and went. A cat scan was taken. We were told nothing. I asked questions to everyone who entered the room. Most only gave me the smallest of information and little interest in her condition. It's serious. Oh yes, Mr. S. But we don't have a plan. What? Do they think she's a lost cause? Do they think it's not that serious? How busy can a doctor be? And if he's so busy, how about getting someone who can help her? SOMEONE DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN TAKE HER VITALS!

I keep wondering.. is this the end of her life? Is this how I will lose my precious mother? Or will she get the water removed from her heart and lungs and bounce back. In my heart, I hope so. In my heart, I don't know. In my heart, I fear. I love her so much. I hate to see her suffer. She has suffered more than a person should.

Where is God? Does He even care about my prayers? Does it matter if I pray? Will what happens, happen anyway?

I wonder if she is lonely in the hospital tonight? Can she reach the nurse button? Can she rest, through her labored breathing? Will the doctors please just fix her? Will she finally get peace from pain and suffering? She worries about how we are, when she is sicker than I've ever sensed before. It's ironic because she isn't even in intensive care and yet I have never worried more about her. Is she in congestive heart failure? Will she be just fine? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE US SOME SOLID INFORMATION?

I don't know if I will keep this entry. It isn't one that I'll want to remember. But it's the real, raw feelings. I'm really sad. But it isn't about me. It's about my wonderful mom who is suffering beyond what anyone should. It's not a fair world. It's not a pretty world. It wasn't a good day today. My hope is that tomorrow will be much better. But right now the cynic in me says, "don't count on it".

I have to try and pray. I will try. I will try to have faith.