what you fear the most

This blog was originally created to be a lighthearted way to keep in touch with friends and family and to keep a record for my children. Well, I have not wanted to write what I've found out but since I started telling you about my mom, I owe it to my friends to tell you what's going on.

My mom had a biopsy done when her drains were put in. They incidentally are still in more than a week later. They were supposed to come out in 2-3 days. The biopsy was just a formality. It took a long time to come back. That should have been our first clue.

The hard horrible truth is that she has incurable cancer. It has spread from probably the lungs to her heart and maybe beyond. The oncologist said it can't be cured but there may be chemo that can be given to extend her life for some time. I worry that they can't do that if the drains are still in and also her pneumonia isn't gone.

So much has happened to our family in the last couple of days. I try to be strong around my mom, my dad is devastated and my kids are too young to get that she will not be with us - at some point. Who knows how long she has? The oncologist was grim and gave a direct but slightly shockingly cold form of NO HOPE to my mom. That's what mom has internalized. My dad had to tell her and he said that looking into her beautiful blue eyes and telling her was the hardest thing he's ever done. Dad is brave.

She is in pain and now may have a clot or problem with an arm. It never ends. The doctors think they see spots on both lungs. The bones and other organs were tested and we're awaiting the grim results. I feel as if a car has hit me right in the gut. I'm watching the world keep moving when I want it to stop. It was exactly the feeling I had after her stroke.

They may do chemo to give her some time. But they can't until the drains come out and they can't because they are still draining, probably due to the cancer. When I'm with her I try to match her mood. Light hearted then serious then light hearted. Bless her heart she looked at my shirt and said she wanted it. I said it wouldn't fit her tiny frame and she said "But I'm dying." Morbid humor but it's my mom's and my way together.

I don't know how much time she has left but it probably isn't long. That is breaking my heart. But oh how this must be horrible for her. She has been handed a death sentence with a band aid treatment that may extend her life. But she still has weak lungs and drains and.....

My dad can't imagine life w/o her. Hell, neither can I. I worry about him. I took him to urgent care the other night because HE got really sick.

She told me to take care of my father. I almost cried. I never cry there. I cry alone. I don't want to scare her or the kids. She has been at death's door so many times that we all got comfortable with the fact that she'd bounce back from even the worst illness. This one is too formidable. I hate cancer.

I hope she lives long enough to leave the hospital and have some fun times at home surrounded by her things, her cooking shows, my dad's cooking (even though she says she doesn't like it, I think she secretly does) and us.

Hospitals are not a place to die. But they are often a place to die.

I probably won't update much. It's too painful and sad. So I may not be on my blog for a while.

more surgery

There will be more surgery tomorrow. This time it's to put in a sort of drain in her vein to block her blood clot from hurting her. I spent the better part of this evening with her. She was doing well although she still has her drains and has been poked more than a pin cushion. Poor thing. I'm thinking of you mom.

Update

Mom is in a lot of pain; so much so that she had to be sedated my aunt said. She also has two blood clots in her leg that may lead to another procedure. Her drains are still in both lungs and heart. But still she is a tough lady. Her oxygen is down but that is to be expected for someone with pneumonia. I didn't feel good tonight and didn't want to give her my germs. But tomorrow I want to go see her and hope she is out of the extreme pain. Even morphine hasn't taken away the majority of the pain.

My friend at work said at 4 am on Saturday, she woke up from a sound sleep and felt compelled to pray for my mother, whom she has never met. That is at the same time my mom was starting to fail and needed her surgery moved to that morning. It's an interesting timeline for sure.

Surgery a success!

It's been a wild couple of days for my mom. She had good times and then very scary spells where she couldn't breathe right. During those times, she was suddenly surrounded by doctors, nurses and machines and my dad and I were told to leave the room for a little while.

Then she'd get better and the ventilator order was cancelled and the order to go to ICU was cancelled. The doctor said she had a very large amount of water around her lungs and heart. It could potentially kill her instantly. The surgery was scheduled for Monday. MONDAY!? I thought they should do the surgery that very second considering how serious it was. But that's not how hospitals work. I've learned a lot about hospitals lately.

Then at 4 am this morning, my dad called to say that she had taken yet another bad turn. She was taken to the ICU and the surgery would be performed today. The surgery appeared to take a long time. My dad was really beginning to worry. But she came through the operation very well. The doctor said in his 25 years of doing this surgery, he'd never seen the amount of water my mom had. He said it should cure her and her shortness of breath should subside. He took samples to test just to make sure. I could have kissed him right there. She's in MICU for a few days until this water drains and she's sewn back up. But it's done and I feel a hundred pounds has lifted. I was so worried she'd die. And now it looks like she'll be as right as rain soon. My mom is amazing. Thank you for praying.

so sad, heavy heart

My mom is in the hospital with double pneumonia and water around the heart and lungs needing heart surgery to remove the fluid. I found out at work that the doctor called my dad at home early telling him of a surgery needed for her and what does he want to do? Hurry Hurry. Tell us now. What does he want to do? Um, has anyone asked my mom what SHE wants to do? He wanted the surgeons to tell him the risks before making a decision. Did that happen? NO.

I left work today after hearing this news, not caring if it would "look good". Personal day. No notice. Sorry. The school will have to understand.

What makes me so sad is that surgeons who are supposed to see us don't. Dad and I and poor mom waited all day. People came and went. A cat scan was taken. We were told nothing. I asked questions to everyone who entered the room. Most only gave me the smallest of information and little interest in her condition. It's serious. Oh yes, Mr. S. But we don't have a plan. What? Do they think she's a lost cause? Do they think it's not that serious? How busy can a doctor be? And if he's so busy, how about getting someone who can help her? SOMEONE DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN TAKE HER VITALS!

I keep wondering.. is this the end of her life? Is this how I will lose my precious mother? Or will she get the water removed from her heart and lungs and bounce back. In my heart, I hope so. In my heart, I don't know. In my heart, I fear. I love her so much. I hate to see her suffer. She has suffered more than a person should.

Where is God? Does He even care about my prayers? Does it matter if I pray? Will what happens, happen anyway?

I wonder if she is lonely in the hospital tonight? Can she reach the nurse button? Can she rest, through her labored breathing? Will the doctors please just fix her? Will she finally get peace from pain and suffering? She worries about how we are, when she is sicker than I've ever sensed before. It's ironic because she isn't even in intensive care and yet I have never worried more about her. Is she in congestive heart failure? Will she be just fine? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE US SOME SOLID INFORMATION?

I don't know if I will keep this entry. It isn't one that I'll want to remember. But it's the real, raw feelings. I'm really sad. But it isn't about me. It's about my wonderful mom who is suffering beyond what anyone should. It's not a fair world. It's not a pretty world. It wasn't a good day today. My hope is that tomorrow will be much better. But right now the cynic in me says, "don't count on it".

I have to try and pray. I will try. I will try to have faith.

Shopping would be great if...

...the cashiers would take the dang security tags off the clothes after I PURCHASE them. I was in Sears today buying clothes for the kids. I have been burned with the ink filled tags left on my clothes before, so I asked the lady if all the tags were off. She looked at me, kind of annoyed and nodded. Guess what!!!!!!!? THEY WEREN'T ALL OFF. So after getting home and discovering one still on, I called and they said a weak sorry into the phone and told me to bring it back. Driving all the way back to Chapel Hill is not my idea of fun. That's why I had Jay go. Bad me. Bad me. It gave me time to wrap his birthday presents. I know there are worse things to happen than an ink filled tag left on, but sheeesh, this is annoying to me.

On a lighter note, Mom should be out of the hospital tomorrow. She's been in nearly a week. She has nine lives. I just wish her lives were easier ones.

For Tom to see my creations :)

my potholder that is also a barbie blanket

Experimenting with holes

Webkinz need to keep warm in this weather!

Collar

bookmark made into a Sunday hat.

I don't know what it is yet, but it's long and pretty

Please excuse my weird look. I am getting over a cold and I'm a sneezy red-faced mess.

another "creation"

The fan pull in Emily's room.

My crochet creations debut!