The new normal

I got my mom an MP3 player and she was rocking it out on Friday.


After surgery with animals to keep her company

new pajamas

There is a sadness to the days- but there are still happy days to be experienced. I had a good spring break. Mom is doing ok. She is losing her hair in big clumps but has cute little caps to wear. She has her ups and downs. We are happy to have her as long as we can.

The girls went to the YMCA for date night. It happens a couple of times a year where they will watch your kids for a few hours. Jay and I went to a great Japanese Buffet called ICHIBAN. mmmm is not even good enough to tell how good it was. But then we went to the mall while talking about the kids and bought them clothes and pajamas. I guess that's what parents do. They talk about the kids on dates.

The one photo of my mom was after one surgery where my dad put her stuffed animals on her chest so that she would know we were there when she woke up.

When going over Em's paperwork for school there was a BIO page.

Here are the highlights. After reading Em's I asked Tara the same questions. Tara wants to be a hair stylist and live in Poland. What I pray is the fascination with Poland?

Back to Em....

Three adjectives to describe you. She said "ten, tall, animalish";

Wishes to: "verterinarian"

Dreams of: "Being the world's best veterinarian and making people get me stuff and getting rid of bullying."

Wants to: "I want to go to Poland"

Who wonders: "I wonder what I will look like when I'm 72."

Who fears: "I'm scared of spiders and going up eskalators."

Who likes: "Salt and tomatoes and getting new webkinz and getting out of the state."

Who believes: "I believe in God and aliens." mmm better get back to church.

Who loves: "My dog and stuffed monkey that is 23 years old".- I guess there's no love for the mama and papa.

Who plans: "living in Poland or Switzerland." Yah, good luck with that.

The towel I made for mom

Tara cheers me up

My mom is out of the hospital and has had a chemotherapy treatment. She's had quite a few complications including blood clots and fluid buildup.
She is weak but hanging in there.

On a lighter note, I missed my blog and felt like remembering some cute things Tara said lately.

When visiting my mom in the hospital, Tara took a play doctor kit and began working on my mom's stuffed animals. At one point she loudly proclaimed "Quick the bunny is sick; we need to give it VCR!"

Then yesterday Jay bought the girls some Sunny D with the pull and sip tops. Tara was so excited and didn't know what to call the top thingy and said, "OOOh Daddy, you got the sucky kind of juice!"

what you fear the most

This blog was originally created to be a lighthearted way to keep in touch with friends and family and to keep a record for my children. Well, I have not wanted to write what I've found out but since I started telling you about my mom, I owe it to my friends to tell you what's going on.

My mom had a biopsy done when her drains were put in. They incidentally are still in more than a week later. They were supposed to come out in 2-3 days. The biopsy was just a formality. It took a long time to come back. That should have been our first clue.

The hard horrible truth is that she has incurable cancer. It has spread from probably the lungs to her heart and maybe beyond. The oncologist said it can't be cured but there may be chemo that can be given to extend her life for some time. I worry that they can't do that if the drains are still in and also her pneumonia isn't gone.

So much has happened to our family in the last couple of days. I try to be strong around my mom, my dad is devastated and my kids are too young to get that she will not be with us - at some point. Who knows how long she has? The oncologist was grim and gave a direct but slightly shockingly cold form of NO HOPE to my mom. That's what mom has internalized. My dad had to tell her and he said that looking into her beautiful blue eyes and telling her was the hardest thing he's ever done. Dad is brave.

She is in pain and now may have a clot or problem with an arm. It never ends. The doctors think they see spots on both lungs. The bones and other organs were tested and we're awaiting the grim results. I feel as if a car has hit me right in the gut. I'm watching the world keep moving when I want it to stop. It was exactly the feeling I had after her stroke.

They may do chemo to give her some time. But they can't until the drains come out and they can't because they are still draining, probably due to the cancer. When I'm with her I try to match her mood. Light hearted then serious then light hearted. Bless her heart she looked at my shirt and said she wanted it. I said it wouldn't fit her tiny frame and she said "But I'm dying." Morbid humor but it's my mom's and my way together.

I don't know how much time she has left but it probably isn't long. That is breaking my heart. But oh how this must be horrible for her. She has been handed a death sentence with a band aid treatment that may extend her life. But she still has weak lungs and drains and.....

My dad can't imagine life w/o her. Hell, neither can I. I worry about him. I took him to urgent care the other night because HE got really sick.

She told me to take care of my father. I almost cried. I never cry there. I cry alone. I don't want to scare her or the kids. She has been at death's door so many times that we all got comfortable with the fact that she'd bounce back from even the worst illness. This one is too formidable. I hate cancer.

I hope she lives long enough to leave the hospital and have some fun times at home surrounded by her things, her cooking shows, my dad's cooking (even though she says she doesn't like it, I think she secretly does) and us.

Hospitals are not a place to die. But they are often a place to die.

I probably won't update much. It's too painful and sad. So I may not be on my blog for a while.

more surgery

There will be more surgery tomorrow. This time it's to put in a sort of drain in her vein to block her blood clot from hurting her. I spent the better part of this evening with her. She was doing well although she still has her drains and has been poked more than a pin cushion. Poor thing. I'm thinking of you mom.

Update

Mom is in a lot of pain; so much so that she had to be sedated my aunt said. She also has two blood clots in her leg that may lead to another procedure. Her drains are still in both lungs and heart. But still she is a tough lady. Her oxygen is down but that is to be expected for someone with pneumonia. I didn't feel good tonight and didn't want to give her my germs. But tomorrow I want to go see her and hope she is out of the extreme pain. Even morphine hasn't taken away the majority of the pain.

My friend at work said at 4 am on Saturday, she woke up from a sound sleep and felt compelled to pray for my mother, whom she has never met. That is at the same time my mom was starting to fail and needed her surgery moved to that morning. It's an interesting timeline for sure.

Surgery a success!

It's been a wild couple of days for my mom. She had good times and then very scary spells where she couldn't breathe right. During those times, she was suddenly surrounded by doctors, nurses and machines and my dad and I were told to leave the room for a little while.

Then she'd get better and the ventilator order was cancelled and the order to go to ICU was cancelled. The doctor said she had a very large amount of water around her lungs and heart. It could potentially kill her instantly. The surgery was scheduled for Monday. MONDAY!? I thought they should do the surgery that very second considering how serious it was. But that's not how hospitals work. I've learned a lot about hospitals lately.

Then at 4 am this morning, my dad called to say that she had taken yet another bad turn. She was taken to the ICU and the surgery would be performed today. The surgery appeared to take a long time. My dad was really beginning to worry. But she came through the operation very well. The doctor said in his 25 years of doing this surgery, he'd never seen the amount of water my mom had. He said it should cure her and her shortness of breath should subside. He took samples to test just to make sure. I could have kissed him right there. She's in MICU for a few days until this water drains and she's sewn back up. But it's done and I feel a hundred pounds has lifted. I was so worried she'd die. And now it looks like she'll be as right as rain soon. My mom is amazing. Thank you for praying.